The 10 Most Important Things I’ve Learned About Dating at 25

Image result for fuckboy texts

For someone who has been on almost 50 first dates, I have a hell lot to say about “dating” in 2017. I’m always surprised when I come across people who tell me they’ve only been on a few dates their whole life (and they are around the same age as me: 25). This is either because they have been with their high school sweetheart Image result for bye bye birdie 1963 kim and hugo pinfor the past 5-10 years, they are legit scared to go on dates, or because they are just really fucking ugly. HA, #JustKidding. No, it’s because in 2017 – we live in the era of the fuckboy, the era of Netflix & Chill, the era of “wyd?” texts at 3 a.m, the era of “sliding into her DM’s.” Have you ever seen any of those old movies from the 50’s or 60’s? There’s this movie (that used to be my mom’s favorite) called Bye, Bye Birdie. In the movie, the high school boy has a big crush on this beautiful girl. What does he do? He gives her a pin and asks if she “will go steady” with him. IMAGINE IF A GUY DID THAT IN 2017?!

For the past 4-5 years that I have been single, I have learned a lotttttttttttttttt. I have a lot of friends that were in 3-5 year relationships, then they break up, and now have no idea how to “be single” or “date” again. What do they do? They come to me and ask what to talk about, what to wear, where to go, etc. Since I have been single for what seems like an eternity, have been on countless dates when males of all ages, and have read several books on dating, I figured that I can provide some insight on what it’s like dating in this very baffling era.

1). The chase is real, but you don’t have to ‘play games.’ Listen, I hate when people told me, “you have to play hard to get.” It’s one of the stupid dating cliches you seem to hear from everyone. The thing is, you don’t have to “play” hard to get, Image result for playing hard to getyou just have to have your priorities straight. When we start to like someone and get excited about a possible future with them, we drop everything and make time to see them. We forget about all the other shit we prioritize like going to the gym, meeting our friend for coffee, finishing that blog piece, etc. When we get that, “Hey what are you doing tonight?” text, we tend to wash away any plans we had previously made, and make room to see this person. I have been this person for most of my dating life. Whenever a guy asked to hangout but I had plans to workout, I would tell them, “Hey! Not doing anything tonight. What’s up?” Or how about when they ask, “What are you up to this weekend?” and you respond with, “Nothing, how about you?” You’re making yourself seem like you have nothing going on in your life except making yourself available to see him/her, which translates as “easy.” It’s easy to make plans with you, it’s easy to hang out with you, it’s easy to win you over. We don’t want to be easy. I don’t know about you, but I am attracted to a guy who has shit to do — AKA, not laying around all weekend doing nothing. So when people say, “play hard to get” – don’t think of it as playing games with someone. Think of it as setting your priorities straight and not dropping other important things in your life just for this one person. This other person will likely respect that you are busy and have a lot going on – which will make you appear more attractive since it shows that they have to put in some work to win over time in your jam-packed life.

2). Chivalry is mostly dead, but not completely. What constitutes a date for you? For me, it’s dinner, a movie, going to a museum, meeting for drinks, etc. I have (swear to God) met some girls who told me that they went on a date, and when they started to explain the details about it, it was really just them going over Image result for chivalry datingto a guy’s apartment and watching a movie on their couch. NOOOOOO. This is NOT A DATE. There is not one person to blame here, it’s everyone. It’s that the guy probably heard his friends getting away with this pathetic attempt at winning over a girl’s emotions, *they succeeded* – and so the guy gives it a go himself – and he succeeds, too! The more we validate this as an acceptable form of “hanging out,” the more it will happen. Why would a guy pay for your dinner when he can get away with just inviting you over – not spending any money, not having to dress up, not having to get in a car and drive somewhere, etc. It makes sense honestly, so the guy is not the only one to blame. However, I have been on many dates where the guy still goes “old school” as I like to call it. For the most part, a lot of the dates I have been on have been meeting for drinks and dinner. Even if I offer, the guy has almost always paid the bill. The most chivalrous date I have been on was when a guy drove from Manhattan to Philadelphia to take me out. He did the following: came to my door when he was at my apartment (instead of texting “here” like most do), opened the car door for me, made me walk on the inside of the street (which I didn’t even know was a ‘thing’ at the time), paid for my dinner and drinks, and walked me to my door when the night was over. Whether or not this was genuine or just for show, the guy actually put in effort – which is almost obsolete in this day and age. I am telling you that there are still guys out there who will do these things for you, you just need to stop settling for the ones who won’t. #NetflixAndChillIsCoolButNotOnDatesOneTwoOrThree

3). Dating is like going on interviews, just go, no matter how much you don’t want to. I bet you have been asked out by a guy who you just felt, “meh” about. He asked you out, and you said yes, but then when it comes to the day before the date, you wanna bail and cancel. DON’T. Unless you have a legit conflict (or he’s your friend’s ex-boyfriend #GirlCode), just go on the date. Dating is like going on interviews because the more experience, the better. You are obviously not going to get every job you interview for, but with more interview experience, the more comfortable you feel. Practice makes perfect, and when you go on your first few Image result for first dateinterviews, you feel nervous as fuck. But after 8-10 interviews, it’s not as threatening as it was before. Same thing with dating. You’ll find yourself less jittery before the date and more of your comfortable normal self. The second point is another famous cliche, “never judge a book by it’s cover.” Just because you’re not crazy about this guy from the bat, doesn’t mean you know his full story. Give it a chance, you never know who will surprise you. What’s the worst that can happen? You don’t get the job? You don’t like the guy? Cool, then you don’t have to see them again. You don’t have to live with the regret of what could have happened.

4). Live in the moment. Live in the moment. Live in the moment. *The most important piece of advice I have absorbed over the past year. My therapist once told me this, and I said, “How though?” Trust me, it takes time to train your mind to think this way. Females are notorious for thinking about the future: is he the marrying type? I wonder how many kids he wants? Is his job stable for our future? – Whenever we have a good date, we start painting pictures in our head with this person – don’t lie, I know you’ve done it before. This is normal, especially females, since society likes to put these strict timelines in front of us: don’t get married after 35, don’t get married before 25, if you’re 40, it’s too lateblah, blah, blah. Females tend to overthink everything, hence why we have been labeled “crazy” by the male Image result for female overthinking textspopulation. We overthink things because we are insecure plain and simple. All of this thinking about the future and questioning this stranger’s potential with us makes us fucking miserable. Because you know what? Half the time we start getting excited about the “future” or thinking ahead, it never actually happens – and then we start reminiscing about the past and questioning what we did wrong. Just live in the moment, enjoy the date – if he texts you after, awesome. If he doesn’t, cool. His loss. Continue to build up your confidence in the “now” so you do not have to question your own actions by overthinking.

5). You can blame the dude, but you can’t blame the dude for everything. Listen, I am the first one to admit that guys are assholes. I mean, I have a section on here that talks about how guys are “fuckboys.” However, we have to take some responsibility, ladies. You see so many memes and stories online of females blaming dudes for EVERYTHING in the relationship. I look back on my 2 serious relationships, and in the moment, I thought I was an angel, lol. I look back now and Image result for im sorrysay, “Gosh, I was not such a great girlfriend.” I look back and realize a lot of the things I said or did, and notice the lack of clarity in my judgment or communication. Look at the quote, “Sometimes you win,  and sometimes you learn.” Just because I made mistakes, doesn’t mean I failed at being a girlfriend. I tell everyone that I learned SO much in both of my relationships, like… SO much that I think I would be an awesome girlfriend right now, lol. My last boyfriend cheated on me, but I would never say that the relationship ending was “his fault.” I made a ton of mistakes in that relationship, essentially because I was not mentally healthy for one. AM I condoning his cheating? No. But it’s not the only reason the relationship failed. Guys are assholes, ladies, but we have to take ownership of our screw-ups, too.

Image result for blake lively and ryan reynolds age
11 year age gap. Who cares when both are so perfect together! ❤

6). Age is just a number. I’m not gonna lie, I have my ‘dating age range’ of guys who I would consider date-able, however for me, this is more just about having a partner that is healthy and young to still want to have kids and/or able to. So being 25, my [ideal] age range is 25-35. Yet, this doesn’t mean that I will not accept a date with a 24 year old who is mature, successful, and has the same goals as I do. I hear so many people say they won’t date someone younger than them, or they won’t date someone older than 30. Why? I have met 21 year old’s more mature than 27 year olds I have dated. A lot of people say that ‘boys never grow up’ or that some don’t become a man until they become a dad. I agree with the fact that males are typically more immature than females, but just because a guy is a dad, does not mean he is necessarily more mature than a guy who does not have kids. If you are someone who is somewhat ‘ageist‘ – chill, most of the time we cannot even guess people’s ages correctly. Most people think I am 21-22. So just give everyone a chance, or maybe don’t even ask about their age in the first place.

7). Most of us are not even ready to date, yet, we do. Was I ready to date my ex-boyfriend in 2012? Nope. Did I anyway? Yes. However at the time, I had no idea how insecure and emotionally unstable I was. Like I said before, I look back now and realize how many serious mistakes I made in the past when it comes to dating. Unfortunately, a lot of people are afraid of talking about their weaknesses or insecurities. Another handful of people are living in denial, so they don’t even believe they have any flaws in their persona (the ones who blame their partner for everything). Take a look at some statistics here and here about women/girls and Image result for work on yourselftheir levels of self-confidence and self-esteem. When we lack confidence and self-awareness, our perception is essentially distorted. We are overly sensitive and take things too personally. We lash out on others (our partners usually) because we are battling with ourselves internally. How many relationships have you heard of or seen where neither person trusts each other? Insecurity. Accused of cheating? Insecurity. Can’t be friends with the opposite sex? Insecurity. When we jump into relationships and do not have strong/stable mental and emotional health, we are bound to run into layers of obstacles and battles with our partner. Therefore, be honest with yourself: do you like the way you look in the mirror? can you rattle off 10 things you love about yourself without thinking? can you be alone for a period of time without feeling lonely? do you care about how many likes or followers you have on Instagram? If you have any hesitance about those questions, it’s probably not the best time to get into a relationship. *You have to love yourself before anyone can love you* #Cliche #IKnow #ButSoTrue 

8). Fuck the movies. Whether movies are based on a true story or completely fictional, they.are.movies. Actors are “performers,” they are not giving you the 100% true reality of an occurrence. They practice how to be dramatic in order to elicit an emotion/reaction from the audience. Although some of these scenes you see in movies and on TV may appear realistic, just take it with a grain of salt. Stop comparing your love life to Hollywood’s portrayal of it, it’s no way to live your life in your twenties.

9). You can text him first and you won’t die. What is the most popular ‘dating rule’ you have ever heard of? For me, it’s “don’t text the guy first.” For the most part, I have followed this rule. According to a favorite Millennial movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” if someone wants to see you, they will make it happen – right? If a guy wants to date you, then he’ll ask you out. Obviously from these statements, we are lead to believe that we should just wait to see if he texts us. While I don’t necessarily think this is terrible advice, I believe that if you really had a good vibe funny-girl-texting-guy-first-without-complainingor feeling from the date, you can reach out to him first. Since last time I checked, most humans aren’t mind-readers. What’s the worst that can happen? He doesn’t answer? He says no? Okay, so move on with your life, lol. It’s that simple. I feel like some females think texting the guy first is like committing social suicide – as if everyone will think you are some desperate sad girl. The last guy I was dating, I met him out with my friends on a Wednesday night. We had an awesome time, he gave me his number, and after 1 week of not hearing from him, I texted him the next Wednesday and asked to meet for drinks. He said yes. When I asked him in person why he didn’t text me, he said, “I was waiting till Thursday to text you.” Lol. So honestly, don’t get worked up. Sometimes they are just as nervous or skeptical about what to say as we are (which my guy friends have admitted to me as well). Give it some time after the first date. If you really felt something, text him, and if he is busy or doesn’t text back… #OnToTheNextOne.

10). Stay off his social media unless you want to drive yourself insane. Guys do it, but girls do it better: social stalking. Guys, most of us have already [cyberly] met your 1st cousins and memorized the name of the hotel you stayed at during your vacation to Cancun last summer by the 2nd date. Why? Because we want to know MORE. We want to know your history, what girl you dated in the past, what do Image result for stalking his ex memeyou do on the weekend, are you a selfie-dude? etc. However, most of the time we are looking for 1 thing: the ex-girlfriend. We find the ex-girlfriend, then read the captions he posted about her, go to her profile, judge her hair, makeup, body, & clothes, and then live in misery comparing ourselves to her. We’ve all done it, and I even know some girls who have created a fake Facebook just for stalking purposes. Not.Kidding. While it’s almost like second nature to instantly check out his social media pages, try to refrain yourself from doing it, I don’t know, less than twice a day? Less than 5 times a day? One of my favorite quotes is, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” We naturally compare ourselves without even thinking about it – it’s how we are wired [especially] in the age of social media. Since like 80-90% of females have admitted to feeling insecure, looking at his ex-girlfriend(s) will most likely just strengthen your self-doubts – leading to fights, arguments, lack of trust, loyalty, etc.

Image result for dating in 2017 meme

Last words… This is my personal take on Dating in 2017. Summary? It kind of sucks. With social media so prevalent and invasive, it’s easy to drive yourself completely insane before, during, and after a date. Instead of phone calls, people text you, DM you, or Snapchat you – nothing seems special anymore. There are times when I have called a guy and they picked up the phone confused, like if something was terribly wrong. I doubt these current behaviors and standards of ‘society’ will actually change, so it’s all about who you choose to spend time around and what you will and will not tolerate/accept. It’s up to you to accept or deny a “netflix and chill” hangout, it’s up to you to text him first or not, it’s up to you to work on your self-esteem before going out in the dating battlefield. Most people like to just blame “fuckboys” or blame where the met someone, or the shitty day they were having that affected their mood/vibe. You are in control of all your problems, and you are in control of what you define as a ‘problem.’ This is all subjective. You can choose to answer a 3 a.m. “wyd” text, or call him out on his shit. Standards. Standards. Standards.

In order to adopt a successful dating life (I don’t mean getting a boyfriend after the first date – I mean meeting high quality people, networking, feeling good about yourself, enjoying new experiences, etc), you have to believe in your own awesomeness and set standards. Don’t let the fuckboy get the best of you 😉

The 10 Most Important Life Lessons I’ve Learned at 25

Image result for vintage black and white photos

 

  1. ****You are the average of the five people you surround yourself with**** – This has been the most important lesson I have learned over the past few years Image result for vintage black and white photosespecially. I’ve learned that it is OKAY to eliminate people from your life, or take a step back from them if you feel they are not the best influence towards your goals and attitude. In the past, I did everything I could to avoid confrontation (I would just say ‘yes’ to everything). All I wanted was for everyone to like me. After realizing that (1) it is impossible for everyone to like you, and (2) confrontation is a part of life that is never going away, I finally began to distance myself from friends who had a pessimistic attitude, valued materialism and social status, abused drugs or alcohol, etc. I realized that many of these people were interfering with my personal growth and progress, and if I want to be successful, I have to surround myself around other successful people… not losers.
  2. It’s okay to say no. Naturally, females have a difficult time saying “no.” We are the ones who constantly say “sorry” and apologize for such ludicrous things. I was the person who dropped whatever I was doing to hangout with a guy just to please him, or I would agree to go somewhere with my friends when I really just wanted to stay home. I have finally been able to say “no” when I don’t want to do something, or offer other options when I have prior plans already made.
  3. Half your friends are engaged or married, and half your friends are just as lost as you are. Self-explanatory. It’s a pretty even divide at this age of people you Image result for vintage black and white photos quotesknow who are set on their soulmate, and others who are still swiping right or left on Tinder during their commute (I vowed to no longer use Tinder as it’s never been a successful platform for me, however, I LinkedIn request handsome men who work for companies in my building like Cushman & Wakefield. So now you can feel better about yourself for using Tinder or Bumble since I’m way more creepier. Also, so far it’s had a 0% success rate). It’s okay to be single when you’re 25. It’s okay to be single when you’re 30, 35, 40, etc. Single at 25 > Divorced at 30.
  4. Be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Take risks. Sit at a bar by yourself. Go to the movies by yourself. Ask a guy out. Compliment a stranger. Wear something you wouldn’t usually wear. Whatever feels “weird” to you, do it. Nothing is worse than only doing what feels “comfortable” to you your whole life. There are so many things I used to fear when I was younger, like going to a bar by myself, publishing my blog pieces and sharing them on Facebook, uploading a gym selfie to Instagram – LOL, no joke (now it’s like a gym selfie every other day #noshame #ididntalwayshaveabuttsoiamproudofit). I used to worry so much about the possible repercussions or what people thought of me. Which brings me to my next point…
  5. Life is so much better when you stop caring what other people think about you. I wrote a blog piece about this when I used to write for Thought Catalog. I explained that throughout my whole life, all I cared about was what others thought about me. I thrived off of the approval of others. All I wanted was for people to Image result for vintage black and white photoscompliment my outfits or say that I looked skinny. After the 30 seconds of internal gratification, the happiness fades. You can’t live your life for someone else. We are all genetically different creatures, and we all will have different opinions on things. Just because something is “out of season” or labeled as “un-trendy” doesn’t mean you can’t wear it. Just because your friend said she hates when you wear purple eyeshadow, doesn’t mean you can’t wear it. Just because your parents don’t like your boyfriend’s haircut, doesn’t mean you can’t date him. You have to do what makes you happy. I spent a huge portion of my life trying to live for other people – making sure they would approve of me, and you see how that turned out?–I was almost hospitalized and sent to rehab for an eating disorder and have been on anti-anxiety/depression meds for over 12 years. In conclusion: do what you wanna do.
  6. Always stay a student. This is one of the most important takeaways I have absorbed from my latest read, Ego is the Enemy. You’ll come across a lot of people in your life who are those annoying AF “I-know-it-all” people. At work you will come across horrid managers who disregard every one of your suggestions. At Image result for vintage black and white photos bookfamily gatherings you will run into that one relative whose only existence seems to spread their ‘superior‘ political opinion across the buffet table. In order to prevent yourself from turning into a close-minded egotistical asshole, you need to open your mind to obtaining new and foreign knowledge. How do you do this? Read. Read. Keep reading. Travel. Research. Read. Just because you are passionate about your religion, doesn’t mind you can’t learn about another one. No one is asking you to change your beliefs or values. The more you know, the more you grow. Knowledge is power. Uncertainty is the root of all progress and all growth
  7. You choose your peers, not your parents. Similar to number (1), but emphasizing that your parents are your parents, so whatever stupid things you disagree with with them, get over it. Unfortunately I cannot say this about everyone’s parents, but most parents just want the best for you at the end of the Image result for vintage black and white photos familyday. When we are in the midst of a heated argument and livid with frustration, we don’t realize the reasoning behind what our parents say or do. They gave you food to eat and clothes to wear on your back – they want you to succeed. They want you to live a better life than they did. Accept that you won’t always agree with what they say, and embrace all the little (or big) things that they have done for you that often go unnoticed. If you don’t have the best relationship or support system from  your parents – that’s OK – you can choose your peers, they are not picked for you. Surround yourself with the best support system who will lift you up if your parents cannot.
  8. You’re gonna have a job that sucks, and it’s OK to quit. Do what makes you happy. It is rare that someone walks straight out of college, and lives the next 40-50 years, bounces from job to job and loves each and every one of them. My last job was absolute hell. It was quite similar to The Devil Wears Prada in many ways: it was located in the competitive heart of New York City, I worked with 40+ Image result for vintage black and white photos quotesaggressively opinionated women, I stayed at the office past 10pm most nights, my work phone went off every minute of the day, I worked on weekends, holidays, etc. I was legit miserable. It was the first time I actually threw up from anxiety, and woke up with horrendous panic attacks. I had a condescending manager who would give me back-handed compliments or talk down to me like I was a 16 year old. One day when I had to work on a Sunday, I decided that I’ve finally had enough. I completed the assignment I had to do after 3 hours, cleared my laptop and work phone, and laid them on my desk with my badge before exiting the building. I [happily] quit. Initially I felt like a failure, and labeled myself as a “quitter,” yet my mental, physical, and emotional health was truly being compromised. I’ve never felt so exhausted in my life. My health is my number 1 priority, not some stupid entry-level job that thinks body lotion is just as important as brain surgery. The agency work-life balance has essentially become nonexistent. I took some time off, was picky in offers to accept, and now I am working at a great company with an awesome manager and co-workers. Jobs are jobs, not a death sentence.
  9. Do as best as you can to live in the moment. All my family and friends know how much I battle with anxiety and panic attacks. Anyone who has lived with anxiety knows that: it can happen at any time, there can be no reason why you are Image result for vintage black and white photos quoteshaving anxiety, it can feel like it’s the end of the world, and lastly… it’s temporary. I remember my therapist telling me in college, “The feeling doesn’t last forever. It will go away.” Whenever I have anxiety/panic attacks now, that is what I recite in my head, since sometimes during a panic attack you feel like you’re world is ending one second at a time. I get a lot of anxiety when I think about the future or the past. I think about mistakes I made, or I think about what may or may not happen in the future. This is the perfect thing to do if you want to drive yourself completely insane. I’ve learned that when in comes to your career, your friendships, your dating life [especially], just live in the moment. Stop thinking about whether you and this guy will evolve into a relationship. Stop thinking about whether you will get that promotion within the next 6 months. Live in the now – enjoy the happiness you have with this guy currently, and work your ass off in the role you are in now. I can’t tell you how much this has helped especially in my dating life. If you’re happy now, enjoy it. Don’t stress yourself out by thinking about the what if’s. Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
  10. You have no idea what’s going on behind closed doors. One of my biggest weaknesses is comparing myself to others. My whole life I wanted to be the skinniest girl out of my friend group, or the girl who had the best fashion sense. If I noticed someone else who was smarter, prettier, or skinnier than I was, I would immediately start comparing myself to them and pointing out all my flaws. Want to know how to make yourself miserable in less than a few minutes? Compare yourself to others. I have done this for the majority of my life, and I ended up with multiple mental disorders and thoughts about suicide. It is the WORST thing you Image result for don't be so hard on yourselfcan do to yourself. The reality is that there is always going to be someone who is taller, richer, smarter, prettier, or skinnier than you are. Always. The worst part about comparing yourself to others is that we only can notice a fraction of their life. Maybe a girl is skinnier than you, but maybe she’s also throwing up all her meals. Maybe your best friend has nicer clothes than you, but maybe she’s also in $20,000 of debt. You have NO IDEA what is going on behind closed doors. Look at all these famous celebrities — they appear to have it all: the clothes, the cars, the relationship, the money. Then out of the blue, you hear that they are battling with depression, drug abuse, eating disorders, suicidal attempts, etc. As cliché as it is, you can never judge a book by it’s cover. You never know the full story of someone’s life but your own. If you want to be any of the above characteristics, then you can – but you will still always be you. You will never be anyone else, and they can never be you. Once I stopped comparing myself to other people and said to myself, “Who knows what’s going on in their life,” my happiness started to peak through more and more. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Stubborn People Are Already Dying

You know the kind of people I appreciate? The ones where you call them out on their not-so-complimentary characteristics and/or behaviors and they actually own up to it. What is that called again? Honesty? Self-awareness? Compliant?

Naturally, we do not want to be wrong; we don’t want someone to challenge our beliefs, to question our actions, or to disagree with something that we feel quite strongly about. Flunking a test you thought you aced, dropping weights you thought you could lift, being rejected for a job you thought you would score — examples of results from events that we could have prepared better for, overestimated less, etc. However, what happens when someone questions our own characteristics? Our persona? Our morals and values?

For the millionth time on this blog, I am quoting Mark Manson’s “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck:” who you attract [or don’t attract] into your life, and who you Image result for proximity is powerkeep [or who you don’t] in your life boils down to what you value. In essence, if you value intelligence, you will attract [and keep] intelligent people around yourself. If you value sense of humor, you will hang around people who are funny (Proximity is Power! You choose your peers!). Pretty simple, right? However, we often do not realize our own characteristics unless people reinforce it to us. Comedians are comedians because people laugh at what they stay. People reinforce to comedians “you are funny,” [by laughing] therefore, comedians recognize one of their defining characteristics as “humorous.”

This goes for characteristics we are not called out on as well. If no one criticizes or calls us out on the things we do or say, we rarely recognize them on our own. Like I said earlier, we want to believe we are right; and that are morals/values are supported. If I steal money from someone and no one tells me that it was ‘wrong,’ then why would I question my actions? Why would I get down on myself if it’s not something that is criticized?

Unfortunately, even when we are told we are wrong, most of enter the ever-so-popular denial phase. Denial is surrounded by synonyms like defensive, stubborn, uncompromising, etc. Most things in life are subjective, so it’s not like most of the time we are morally wrong when someone says we are. In other words, just because someone disagrees with us, it doesn’t necessarily mean we are wrong and they are right and vice versa.

Yet, there are a plethora of topics that are universally objective (yet still not completely). For example, breaking the law, lying, cheating, drug abuse, etc. These things all have generally negative connotations and have a lower rate of conflicting viewpoints (on the other hand, think of political, religious, and social issues which are all topics with a high rate of conflicting viewpoints). If you cheat on your partner, most people will agree that it was not a ‘good choice’ on your part, however, it depends if these people will actually confront you about your decision (or if you even tell them about it since naturally we want to avoid confrontation/criticism).

When I read Manson’s chapter about self-awareness and personal values, it made me think, “what do I value? what do I deem to be the most credible characteristics? what values do I admire about myself that I want to see in others around me?”

As I mentioned above, we are aware of many of our characteristics by the reinforcement of others. People obviously do not reinforce me with the statement, “You are tall,” because I am obviously short. However, if people started to tell me that I am tall, I may start to believe that I am tall.

The most frequent characteristics that people use to describe me are: blunt, honest, funny, compassionate, hard-working, perfectionist. All of these characteristics I am proud of, and just like anyone else, I have characteristics that I am not proud of: insecure, indecisive, self-conscious, etc. I do feel lucky that I can recognize my faults, as many people obviously have a hard time doing so (cough Donald Trump cough cough cough cough). People who have a high sense of entitlement, cockiness, and pretentiousness usually have a hard time recognizing any flaws in their persona.

I have realized from my many years of dating and the #singlelife encounters I have experienced, the one characteristic that I can’t quite get past is stubbornness. If someone I am dating displays any hint of stubbornness, I almost immediately mentally check out of the date. I wouldn’t say someone who is stubborn is not honest, but rather they are not honest with themselves. I do believe they lack self-awareness and mentally cannot acknowledge their flaws. I know A LOT of stubborn people: I have worked with them, I have befriended them, I have and still am related to them. Both my brothers and my mom are incredibly stubborn about certain topics that arise in life. I honestly don’t recall my mom every saying the word “sorry.” I love my mom, and I we have a very good relationship at the moment. However, we have also had more arguments and vicious screaming battles than I can count.

What is shocking to me is that many people don’t find stubbornness to even be an unattractive characteristic. I think some people pair stubbornness with passion, I.E., those people who are so set in their ways/beliefs/opinions are just incredibly passionate about them. I can see the correlation in this viewpoint, however, stubbornness brings me to another Manson quote, “Uncertainty is the root of all progress and all growth.” This is very similar to Voltaire’s quote, “Doubt is not a
pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd
.” What does this mean? Yes it feels uncomfortable to have doubts about something and not feel 100% right. However, Image result for doubt is not a pleasant condition but certainty is absurdit’s worse to think you know it all, all the time, and not question your own self. To question our beliefs and our knowledge is vital. If all we want and choose to believe is only what’s in our head, we are putting a dangerous barrier in front of our growth and success. I mean honestly, what is science? Science is the study of constantly observing and experimenting the physical and natural world. Your hypothesis is your question – what are you trying to prove or disapprove? New information arises from questioning other ideas and behaviors. How would we know so many of the thing we know today without embracing experimentation and questioning? Someone who is stubborn is closed off from embracing new information or questioning their own. For me, someone who is not willing to learn is someone who I cannot date. 

I am currently in the process of reading Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday. I think EVERYONE should read this book. It has a lot of similar themes that Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck has. In Part II – Chapter 1 “Always Stay a Student,” Holiday talks about the importance of keeping a humble mind, and never acting as if you know everything. You are never a master in anything. Although you may think you know everything about making a martini, there is a plethora of knowledge you still don’t know, and that is still being questioned. Holiday quotes, “If you are not still learning, you are already dying.” If you decide to stay in your comfort zone of beliefs and knowledge, you are essentially putting yourself in more danger than you think. You are limiting the knowledge you can acquire, and we all know the very popular saying, “Knowledge is Power.”

Image result for leave your ego at the door

One of my favorite quotes is, “Be comfortable with being uncomfortable.” Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. If you really want to succeed, become a CEO, entrepreneur, meet awesome people, you must accept being told you are wrong (accept humility) and understand that people will constantly criticize and/or question your beliefs. Like I said earlier, this is not a situation of who is wrong and who is right. It’s understanding that maybe your way of thinking isn’t the ONLY way of thinking. Opening your mind to new and challenging ideas is the beginning of personal, emotional, spiritual, and mental growth.

Do not be stubborn. Open your mind. Accept your flaws and accept humility. Those who are humble are those who improve.

50 Shades of Disorders: The Evolution of the #Fitspo Movement

Image result for fitspo movement

It’s hard to argue that Instagram isn’t the current powerhouse of social media, AKA, digital #goals. Although Facebook still has the largest number of members, Instagram is arguably the fastest growing and most innovative platform around. Then again, Facebook owns Instagram, so when Instagram wins, Facebook wins, too.

I was in the middle of my college career (2011-2012) when Instagram started to Related imagesurpass other popular platforms like Tumblr, Vine, Pinterest, etc. Snapchat was also on the rise during this era, which has grown to be a top competitor with Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. During this time, I was brainstorming what I wanted to write about for my senior thesis. After very little contemplation [actually], I decided to study the growth of Instagram – more specifically, how young females have used Instagram to help shape their self-presentation. By conducting a focus group and extensive literature review, I observed how Millennial women use this social media platform to manipulate their own image in order to portray themselves in a more attractive/appealing light than their own reality (My full paper is available here on my LinkedIn page).

I conducted a focus group of girls to talk about Instagram for two hours (and fed them pizza), sat in the library for 12+ hours/day reading books and articles on social media, branding, marketing, digital space, etc. Although this may sound daunting, all of this work heightened my interest in the digital world even more. I have grown to be obsessed with the psychology behind social media, and how it has changed the way we communicate and behave. What I have learned about Related imageInstagram through my research & personal observations over the past five years is that deep down, most of us just want to be cool. We want people to think we ‘have it all,’ or admire us in some way. Most of us care way too much about what other people think of us because we lack self-awareness, and we don’t put in the effort to improve it. Instead, we just try to conform our image to what society approves of (that’s easier & less detrimental to our self-esteem, 😉 ).

It is not surprising that more than half of Instagram’s users are female. Females are typically more [openly] insecure than males, therefore, they are the ones on Instagram proactively trying to modify their image. As a female who’s had a minimal amount of confidence for most of my life, I can relate to the insecurity that many females feel about their overall image. We are constantly bombarded with images of size 0 models on magazines and billboards, of course we feel “fat” when our stomachs and legs don’t look like those of Gigi Hadid, Kendall Jenner, or Blake Lively. Instagram avoids the messiness of Facebook: no event invites, long statuses that no one cares about, game invitations, 172 photos in 1 album to scroll through, etc. Instagram is the #1 photo of your 68 photos you took on Saturday night. It’s the #goals of your camera roll. Instagram highlights the most exciting and most flattering parts of your life, and leaves everything else shoved under the bed.

Image result for gigi and kendall

When I conducted my focus group in college, the girls in the group mentioned how they would alter the lighting in rooms, move furniture around, and take photos from multiple different angles in order to see which view is the most flattering. In terms of taking “selfies,” they would always turn to their best or “skinniest” angle, and make sure their most attractive assets were show off. The term “natty lighting” came about, where people typically look their best – shadows and light all placed in the perfect places (natural lighting, FYI ;).

“Natty lighting” was most likely coined in the Fitspo Community of Instagram. The Fitspo Movement started in 2013-2015, just when Instagram was getting big. Both men and women (predominantly women) were starting to post fitness content on their Instagram page, creating their own ‘fitness journey.’ Most people started to branch out from their personal Instagram, and created a separate page just for Related imagetheir fitness/health content. Content included images of their meals, selfies from the gym, video stills from their workout, motivational quotes, etc. The people who were posting this type of content were also more muscular, curvier, and vascular than typical fitness images on the covers of magazines. These men and women were showing off their muscles and curves, flexing their biceps and quads, and eating more than a salad and boiled chicken for lunch. Of course, this seemed like an incredibly positive and inspirational movement. The confidence they portrayed with this overall healthy-looking image was something that people gladly jumped on board with.

I was one of the young females who became incredibly intrigued with this moment. To this day, I contribute a part of my recovery from anorexia to the fitspo movement. These females had curves, muscles, and confidence… everything that I was lacking. I was ready to break ties with my eating disorder, and escape a lifetime of starvation and misery.

I started following many of these female lifters and bodybuilders on Instagram. I studied their meals, their workouts, and their attitudes. Slowly but consistently, I put on weight, and started to see muscles form in the mirror. You can read more about this here in my piece about recovering from my eating disorder.

Fast forward from 2013 to 2017, and the fitspo community of Instagram has Related imagedrastically transformed, and not for the better. As social media marketing has become a powerful piece of advertising, the fitspo community has essentially been taken over by these “insta-famous models.” Before, young female fitspos seemed genuine about helping others and sharing their fitness tips with their fans across the globe. Now, the fitspo community has evolved into what seems like a hidden advertisement of eating disorders and mediocre products.

When you browse the fitness community on Instagram now, you are bombarded with posts of half-naked girls holding up a tub of some processed supplement persuading you that it will pretty much change your life. The brand PEScience has grown to be one of the most ANNOYING AF companies on Instagram. Their “athletes” are usually females who have participated in a bodybuilding competition (usually the Bikini division), and have predominantly slim bodies. Just go to their Instagram now — whenever a person is holding one of their products, it’s usually (1) a female (2) a female in a sports bra (3) a female with much cleavage and/or (4) a female with a dark tan and face of makeup. Based on the reviews I have read about their products, they are average. Protein powder is protein powder, and most of it is heavily processed and laced with artificial sweeteners or colors. Those super natural protein powders typically taste pretty bad on their own, hence why ‘Processed Powerhouse’ PEScience has flavors like “snicker doodle cookie” and “chocolate peanut butter cup.”

PEScience is just one company that has completely flooded our fitness feeds. There are hundreds of others such as: Bite Meals, Gymshark, Alphalete, Icon Meals, etc. I have only bought from Gymshark of the brands listed above, and I have the same opinion: it’s decent. I ordered leggings from Gymshark, and they are fine, but nothing to brag about. The shipping took forever, the material is quite itchy for me, and their sizing is inconsistent. I have to admit that they do a phenomenal job of digital marketing, and all of their “athletes” are fitness males and females who gained a large following on Instagram from posting selfies 1-3 times a day.

Going off that last point, the female “athletes” for these brands all look eerily similar: small waist, big butt, small arms, big boobs, and toned quads. As stated above, we all work to post the most flattering pictures of ourselves by standing in the best lighting and contorting our body to look the most #goals worthy. However, it seems as if this new “perfect body” is creating a new distortion for young females.

One of the initial positive contributions from the fitspo evolution was the appeal of a heavier and curvier female body. These girls on Instagram weren’t posting about the desire to have a thigh gap, size 22 waist, and a razor sharp jawline. They were eating caloric meals and even some ‘treats’ rather than following a super strict magazine-style diet of salad, water, and fat free yogurt. However, the fitspo movement essentially just created a new community of disordered members by creating this new unrealistic body image and OCD lifestyle of counting macronutrients in [mostly] processed foods.

Image result for iifym ocd

Many websites have started to write about this topic as the movement has become more negative than positive. People started to write about their experience with counting macronutrients, stating that it simply replaced one eating disorder with another.  Some researchers have studied the emotional and mental state of women who have viewed these new fitspo images, and of course, the results were not positive. Women reported to have a worse sense of self image/self esteem after looking at these images of “largely unattainable” body types. Although you may look at some of these images and think, “Largely unattainable? That’s a little dramatic, don’t ya think? They aren’t completely shredded.

You’re right – most of these women are not insanely vascular unless they are in prep for a competition or photoshoot of some sort. However, most of us work 9-5 jobs, get stuck in hours of commuting, have kids, have a spouse, have a life outside of fitness maybe?!?! I’m not making excuses, of course, since I fortunately have the Image result for bikini bodybuilders who take steroidstime to make it to the gym 3-4 times a week (usually). However, these females are typically spending 6-7 days in the gym for 2-3 hours at a time, weighing and measuring every morsel of food they eat (or having their sponsor service mail them meals), and rarely stepping outside their normal routine (I.E. attending work happy hours, birthday parties, weddings, etc). And of course, we cannot forget the fact that most of them are being sent free supplements from their sponsor, or receiving a heavy discount, which includes weight loss pills, appetite suppressants, water pills, caffeine powders, etc. Others may take the other route of just using various steroids extremely popular in the bodybuilding community.

However, I almost don’t even view their actual bodies as unattainable. What I think is more unattainable and especially unrealistic is their overall way of life. These fitspos are advocates of the lifestyle “IIFYM” which stands for “if it fits your macros.” This is interchangeably used with the term “flexible dieting” to advocate eating foods that you want to eat, as long as they fit your macro nutrient goals for the day. This has challenged typical bodybuilding style dieting “clean eating” since it has been criticized of causing binge-eating disorders among competitors post competition. These competitors would essentially live off chicken, rice, and broccoli (or “clean” whole foods) for weeks, and once their competition is over, they would gorge on “dirty” foods like chocolate, candy, and everything else they were deprived of during their prep. I think that BOTH of these dieting methods can work for people, yet I also believe that BOTH of these methods have dangerous effects on one’s mental health.

For example, IIFYM did NOT work for me. I became utterly consumed with counting macronutrients, weighing my food, and carrying measuring spoons everywhere I went. I found this to be a new form of orthorexia, as I would freak out if someone else prepared my food. It was different than my anorexia symptoms because I was actually eating a bunch of different foods and I was ingesting more calories. However, I was obsessed with every gram of carb, protein, and fat I was ingesting. Imagine carrying a food scale to Chiptole? Imagine pulling out a measuring cup at a restaurant? Imagine calculating every carb you ingested every single day? The IIFYM way of life may have helped me increase my caloric intake, but it actually made me more obsessed with measuring, counting, and weighing every single thing I ate. I understand why strict competitors and bodybuilders follow this method, but I have to disagree that this is necessary for the average person trying to live a healthy and balanced lifestyle.

In addition, a lot of these accounts have learned the importance of hastagging – Image result for fitspo movementI.E. – including relatable “tags” so other people can find your account or join in on the community. One popular one of course is “#strongisthenewskinny” Although I find this quote catchy & memorable, it’s actually quite disordered when you think about it. The body confidence movement (shown in ads from Dove and Aerie especially) emphasizes how all bodies are beautiful, no matter was size, color, shape, etc. So is “strong is the new skinny” saying that naturally skinny girls are not attractive, cool, inspirational? What this quote is doing is just replacing one desired appearance with another.

Another new hashtag is  “#gainingweightiscool.” This one I have less of a problem with, but it is still concerning when you look at the majority of images behind the hashtag. I definitely could see how this phrase is beneficial to girls suffering with eating disorders and afraid to gain weight, like I once was. However, the images associated with this hashtag are mainly girls focusing on showing off the weight gain in their glutes or quads, and still having a relatively small waist. So basically… it’s cool to gain weight, but make sure it goes to your butt and not your stomach, k? -___- The problem with this is that people gain weight in different areas, and it is not possible to spot reduce. This goes back to enforcing the whole unrealistic Barbie image: small waist, big boobs, big butt, long legs. In addition, most of these females have admitted to getting plastic surgery (mostly breast augmentations and/or lip fillers #ThanksKylie) to further dramatize their #ratio #goals. Eye roll.

I do believe that these phrases or hashtags were created to help people and motivate them. However, the problem arises when one obvious look with similar derivatives are associated with these phrases. We are comically living in the era of the butt – the butt is EVERYWHERE on Instagram. Forget boob guys – we want BUTTS. Most of these fitspos have released redundant “Build your Booty” guides – charging naive teenagers plans that you most likely find for free on Bodybuilding.com. I get it that they want to make money, but half of these people do NOT release the fact they are not a certified trainer, nutritionist, or health professional. And no, they are not required to tell us this, but Jesus Christ… what ever happened to just joining Instagram for just some fitness tips and camaraderie? Now, 20 year olds are selling identical plans that you can find online for FREE, and posting a photo of their butt at least once a day to grow their following of helpless brainwashed girls.

I get it, you’re proud of the butt you built and you want to show it off – cool. I also went from pancake butt to a little somethin’ somethin’, but I don’t feel the need to post a picture of my behind every single day since you know what, there is MORE to me than my butt. I rather share a photo of me enjoying a night out with my friends, a good book I just read, an outfit I really liked, etc. These girls complain Image result for hot instagram girlsthey are not taken seriously, but they are setting themselves up for it. Men have NO right to disrespect women – no matter what they wear or how they pose – however, ya think that saying that will make men change? Nope. Assholes aren’t going away anytime soon, and I hate to admit that sexism isn’t either. If you want to limit your chances of being disrespected on the Internet (which we get it, you shouldn’t be) and getting called a THOT, then I suggest limit the pictures you are posting in your thong. You are taking the risk of building a career in the most openly and constantly critical field there is: social media. Therefore, you should be ready for the criticism and know how to handle it. Just admit it, you know that #SexSells and at the end of the day, you’ll take more attention and more money over a few fan-letters from mindless teenagers.

After that last paragraph of going off on an aggressive tangent, I will close this piece here. I’m thankful that I am in a state of recovery where I am not triggered by photos on the internet like I was once before. Of course, I have some days where it is still hard since I genetically do not have a small waist, and I genetically store fat on my arms. This goes against the #goals images of famous “Instagram Models” like Katy Hearn and Nikki Blackketter. These two are known for their petite frames, incredible ratios, and large butts. While these two females are inevitably harmless, their rise to fame clarifies one thing: there has been a particular image created from the evolution of the fitspo movement, which continues to be extremely unrealistic to maintain for the average woman. All we have done is replaced one small and bony body with a small and toned one.

Image result for aerie body positive campaign

The Fuckboy Series: “The Vanisher”

b02c19c43c52a1349b3133845f99e235

Because recently I have been getting super emotional and anxious about my dating life. Apparently the type I attract are the ones who are “the vanishers” – aka – the ones who fall off the planet all of a sudden, stop answering to your texts, and brainwash me into thinking like I did something wrong.

For so long I would absolutely blame myself and say, “I shouldn’t have done that,” or “I probably came off too strong,” or “I probably should of worn more makeup or dressed nicer that night.” And honestly, when this recent vanisher stopped answering me, I did do that for a few hours. I kept saying to myself, “Maybe I was coming off too strong – coming off too aggressive – making things seem too serious?” But right now, I’m like, “Fuck this shit already.” I’m so tired of blaming myself, and seeing other girls feel helplessly confused in these situations like I have, wayyyyy too many times.

We [females] constantly think WE are the ones who did something wrong, when you know… maybe we did come off too strong or too aggressive or whatever — but Image result for fuckboy memethat doesn’t make us WRONG. I know how much guys like to throw around the word “crazy” when talking about females who constantly are texting them if they are not answering. To be fair, yes… some girls can act freaking psychotic sometimes. There are memes and videos online making fun of “crazy girls,” and I actually laugh at a lot of them without feeling attacked or defensive. Yet from the guy’s perspective, they usually are thinking, “I mean if I’m not answering don’t you get the point?” Yeah, I totally do… even though I guess I still don’t understand the difficulty level of sending a text. Is it uncomfortable? Yeah, it usually is. So what do we do? Run from the uncomfortable because why the hell would we want to put ourselves in that kind of situation?! But honestly, if we only saw each other 1-3 times, then I get it, doesn’t really need an explanation at all since nothing even really started. That’s acceptable in my book. Cause you know what, I do that too. My guy friends actually told me, “Just ignore him if you are not interested, he will get the point.” So I started to do this, but mainly to just creepy guys DMing me on Instagram or Twitter asking for pictures or to “hang out sometime.” For the most part, they do get the point, and other times, they do not. That’s when the nifty “block” feature comes in handy.

But when a guy just stops answering me after hanging out 8-10 times, telling me “I love and miss you,” and introduces me to his closest friends and roommates, Related imageummmm.. YES – I have every right to ask ‘what the fuck happened.’ I’m not even meme-worthy “crazy” so to say, texting and calling over 20x a day, messaging all his friends on several social platforms, etc. I sent a total of 3 texts over the time span of 10 days. Each of the texts were genuine and sweet. It’s quite funny when most men have egos through the roof about their physique, intelligence, charm, etc. However, when it comes to forming a 2-3 sentence explanation as to why they no longer want to communicate with someone, they portray themselves as an insecure, socially awkward, and immature boy.

I was recently talking to a guy who lived 6-7 hours away from NYC. You’re probably thinking, “Okay WTF Kelcey – why would you even bother trying to make that work?” One of the most important lessons I have learned from my therapist is to just “live in the moment” and stop thinking about the future. I am fully aware that Buffalo, NY is no short car drive to Manhattan, but I was really enjoying the time I spent talking to this person, and I wasn’t going to stress myself out thinking about the future when I was completely content with the present. We talked on the phone, we face-timed, we texted, snap-chatted, etc. He was different than the guys I have met here at the gym or at a bar, so I really cherished the time I spent talking to him. He was different, and I felt different about him than I have felt with others.

We had plans to see each other in February, one weekend in NYC and one weekend in Buffalo. However, after a certain message, things changed. He stopped answering my snaps, texts or calls. I was more confused than angry or upset. The thing was though, this person was 28 years old, an orthopedic surgeon, we’ve been talking for about 3 months, and we have known each other for a year and a half. He’s an established professional, and he’s not just someone I met on Tinder 2 weeks ago. Therefore, like the man that he is, he called me on a Monday night and explained to me that he didn’t feel like “we” were working out. After a 30-40 minute phone call, I was completely OK with everything – not upset, not angry, not sad. The fact is, he gave me the “why.” He didn’t leave me hanging in WTF-World, questioning everything that I possibly could about why this is happening. Since then (about 3 weeks ago), I have not had any emotional breakdowns or feelings of sadness due to this ending. I’ve realized that what gets me most upset is not that “we” didn’t work out, but that I don’t know “why” we didn’t work out.

Since he gave me the why, resulting in multiple explanations, I was not very upset or angry. Although I may have disagreed with some of his logic, I was understanding of his opinions. I did not try to argue with him and beg for him to reconsider. The fact that he had the courage to call me and explain everything speaks volumes to me, which really sounds so ridiculous when I type it out – since it is so freakin’ rare for a guy to call you now-a-days. However, in the age of fuckboys, we almost never receive an explanation, or AT THE LEAST… 1 text message letting us know why they have left us in the dust.

I started writing this piece last Wednesday when I was definitely more emotional about the situation than I am right now. When a guy stops talking to you, we automatically feel like we failed, like we fucked up, like we are not good enough. In my last piece talking about my eating disorder, I explained how “feeling good enough” has been a struggle for me since I was just a pre-teen. I have not met one girl who doesn’t automatically start to stalk the new girl their ex starts dating or talking to. We immediately judge them and compare them to ourselves – saying that they are skinnier, taller, prettier, etc.

One of the best pieces of advice my mom has told me was that “someone is always going to be skinnier, prettier, smarter, or taller than you.” When you’re trying to achieve perfection your whole life, this statement is both heartbreaking and awakening. It hurts because we are hit with the reality that we will never actually reach what we are trying to achieve. However, it is also enlightening because we can finally open our minds to the truth that we can stop wasting our time trying to attain something that is not even tangible. To be honest, the realization that has helped me the most is also looking at celebrities and their disaster of a successful dating life. Who do you admire the most? Jennifer Lopez? Emma Stone? Rihanna? These women are all drop dead gorgeous, successful, talented and intelligent. Guess what: they all have been dumped and/or cheated on. Translation: Pretty girls get dumped, too. Skinny girls get cheated on, too. Guys stop talking to gorgeous girls, too.

This is already the second mention of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck on this blog, but it has truly opened my eyes to soooooo many realizations due to it’s lack of sugar-coating and blunt nature. We are in control of what we deem as a failure in life [or a problem]. Someone could receive an A- on a test and think of that as a failure if they always get A+s, and someone could receive an A- on a test and think of it is a success if they always get B’s. We are in control of what we fail at. If we are going to start saying “we failed” whenever a guy stops texting us back or decides to end things with us, then our self-esteem and self-worth is going to severely plummet.  The difference between a girl who is self-aware and one who is not is that the girl who is self-aware does not get terribly upset when a guy stops talking to them. They KNOW what they have to offer, and don’t question ‘what they did wrong.’ This is why so many people who give you that cliche bullshit you’re already tired of hearing: “You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else.”

I have been honest about my struggles with self-esteem and self-confidence, and writing these pieces helps me realize that I should in no way be blaming myself or questioning what I did wrong here – especially if they don’t have the balls to send you just one freakin’ text! I am more aware what I have to offer: kindness, generosity, humor, compassion, thoughtfulness, etc. I obtain all of these characteristics, and it’s a shame that he couldn’t see them or let them go to waste. In addition, I am not putting blame on anyone here – him or me. It’s not his fault that he stopped answering me, and it’s not my fault either. However, it is my responsibility of how I react to this situation. I can either call myself a failure or blame myself, or I can move on confidently knowing that I am a genuine person with a plethora of admirable qualities to offer to a guy who appreciates it.

…^And she just knew that everything would work out. Because it always does.^

What’s Eating You?

Related image

For the past three years, I have posted about this topic on my various social media platforms in hopes to spread awareness about a disease that affects millions of people each and every day. I was quiet about my illness from age 13 to 22, so it was quite shocking to many when I first let my secret out. Although some of you may have read or seen some of the other posts where I talked about my eating disorder, I believe this one is the most in depth and informative. I believe I am in the strongest state of my recovery, and can truly reflect on the ups and downs I experienced over the past 13 years.

It’s not that I want to necessarily write about this, but I need to. It’s my responsibility, as someone who has battled with this illness for so long, and who has risen to become stronger than I ever imagined. My goal is to inform, break stigmas, and become an outlet for others to reach out to. I am aware that many people reading this piece will not be able to directly relate to the emotions and behaviors I describe, but they may know someone who does after learning about these common symptoms.

Each year in February, there is a week devoted by NEDA, the National Eating Disorders Association, to spread awareness about the severity of eating disorders Image result for quotes about eating disordersand the mental illnesses [typically] associated with them. Many people are familiar with the two common eating disorders, anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. However, there are multiple other eating disorders that are rarely talked about in school or in the media including orthorexia nervosa, binge eating disorder, night eating syndrome, pica, and more. Although these disorders do not share the exact same symptoms, many of the sufferers witness the same or similar emotions and feelings such as: embarrassment, guilt, shame, fear, depression, exhaustion, sadness, confusion, and hopelessness.

It is 2017, and eating disorders are talked about a bit more than they were in the past, however, there are still many people who are either clueless about the dangerous side effects of these illnesses, or have total misconceptions of what an eating disorder even entails.

Many of you have seen my pictures from the past, or have seen me in person when I was “super skinny.” However, many of you don’t know the severity of the symptoms that I [and others] experienced, and still suffer with today. This is never an attempt to gain sympathy or praise, but written entirely to bring attention to the critical and deadly symptoms attached to these disorders. Each year, I hope to raise awareness and establish myself as an outlet that others [struggling or not] can reach out to. I hope to combat any stigmas and stereotypes about eating disorders, and save someone from taking their own life. (*Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.)

Image result for neda symbol

When I was 13 years old I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, and OCD. After about two months of restricting food intake (in hopes to lose only a few pounds after the cruise my family and I went on), I lost about 15-20 lbs. I started with Weight Watchers counting points, and then started to count calories too. I treated dieting like a game that I was really fucking good at. If I lost a pound, I felt like I just scored a goal in soccer. People started to compliment my shrinking frame, so I knew that I was doing something right. I wanted to keep going. I wanted to keep receiving compliments. I felt like I was “winning” at something for once.

I was noticeably thinner, quieter, and sadder that summer. I was exhausted pretty much all day – with no desire to talk with friends or leave the house. I measured or Related imageweighed every single thing I ate from baby carrots to a tablespoon of creamer in my coffee. I was consumed with numbers; the number of calories in a piece of fruit, the number of pounds on the scale, and the number of minutes that needed to pass until I could allow myself to eat again.

My mother eventually took me to a nutritionist who broke the news about all the above diagnoses. At that point, I knew there was something wrong with me – I just didn’t know why it was happening. “I didn’t choose this,” I thought.  I started to see the nutritionist every week along with a psychologist and psychiatrist. I was put on Zoloft to help with the anxiety and depression I had towards my body image, food, and life in general. Everything about me was robotic. I felt stripped of emotions, feelings, and life. I was only 13 years old and seeing 2-3 doctors a week, taking anti-depressants, taking birth control (since I lost my menstrual cycle), and weighing myself at least three times a day.

For some reason, the memory that sticks out the most from that summer was a random morning when I was the only one in the house. My parents were working, and my brothers were at camp. I got out of bed around 9 or 10 a.m., and was walking to the bathroom when my vision started to fade. I remember waking up on my bedroom rug and wondering why I was laying on the floor. Did I trip on something? Did I bang my head? Why am I here? How long have I been here? I pulled my body up slowly and rubbed my eyes a few times. I walked down the stairs and remembered that I planned to eat a small breakfast that day (I wrote down everything I ate and the number of calories the day before) so I can have a snack with my lunch. My breakfast that morning was a peach and a zero-calorie diet ginger ale. After that, I would anxiously watch the clock for three hours until I could eat again. (*Most teenage girls eat anywhere between 1600-1800 calories per day according to the American Heart Association’s Dietary Recommendations. I was eating around 900-1100.)

After about 6 months of nutritional counseling and cognitive behavioral therapy side(full of emotional breakdowns, screaming at my mom and doctors, refusing to eat with my family, barely seeing friends/family members, freezing all the time, wearing only sweats or clothes that exposed little to no skin), I started to finally gain weight. I was put on a meal plan and had to get weighed every week by my nutritionist. Since I was a competitive soccer player, I couldn’t really limit my exercise as that was absolutely out of the question for me or my coach (no matter how small I was getting). Throughout the rest of high school, I was maintaining the healthy weight that I achieved and was finally going out with friends. I started to drink alcohol, I had a boyfriend, and I committed to a Division 1 university to play soccer at. Life was improving. I wasn’t measuring everything I ate anymore, but I knew in the back of my head that my disorder would never completely vanish.

Fast forward to the end of freshman year at college. I was truly enjoying life – made a best friend at college, went out all the time, had a super attractive boyfriend, and was doing well in all my classes. However, toward the end of the school year, I started to develop bad anxiety again. I was off medication at the time since my mother and doctor said I was doing really great at school and I could be weened off over the winter. I went home that summer, and I slowly started to restrict again. When I went back to Philadelphia in September for fall semester of sophomore year, my friends from school all said they noticed I lost a bunch of weight. For me, that was the best compliment of them all. It’s like I would get a high from someone calling me skinny, small, or thin. It’s all I ever wanted. And it was happening, all over again.

side-picture
2012

The more compliments I received, the more weight I lost. I thrived off the approval of others. I kept thinking, “Finally, I’m the girl that everyone likes. I’m the girl that people want to look like. I’m the girl that I always wanted to be.” But of course, I was never satisfied. When I reached 105 pounds, I said, “What’s another 2 or 3 pounds? I can make it to 102.” And when I got to 102, I wanted to be 98. When I got to 98, I wanted to be 95. From what I can remember, my lowest weight was 89 pounds. “I’m finally out of the 90s!” I said to myself as I looked at the lowest number I’ve seen yet. The excitement and joy lasted for an astonishing 15 seconds. After that, I was back to planning how much I was allowed to eat that day, and how much I had to workout.

Since most girls who suffer from anorexia are notorious perfectionists, I amazingly achieved all A’s in school even though I was functioning on less than 600 calories a day. I started to see a therapist at college once a week after I had my first real panic attack during class in sophomore year. I went back on anti-anxiety medication, and was put on birth control again to trigger a menstrual cycle since that disappeared for the second time since I was 13. I was living in a Image result for quotes about eating disordersconstant state of denial and fear. I was afraid to eat pretty much anything other than salad, apples, yogurt, and diet drinks/coffee. If I was going to go out drinking one night, I would pretty much starve all day. When I had to get weighed, I would go to 7-11 and fill up one of those extra-large Slurpie cups with Diet Coke and chug it all before I had to hop on the scale at the doctors. I told my mom I was getting my period even though I wasn’t. My jeans were size 0-00 from Hollister, and I even had to roll some of them up to fit my waist. I had the body of a 14 year old boy. I can only speak for myself in this situation, but I never once thought I was “fat” or “chubby.” I think some people have the misconception that girls who suffer with anorexia think they are fat or overweight. I knew I was small. I knew I wasn’t fat. I just thought I was not thin enough. “Why can’t I be good enough.” 

When I was in my third year of school, I started dating someone who was my most serious boyfriend to date. He was passionate about the restaurant scene and always wanted to try out new places to eat in Center City. In order to appear “normal” to him, I would barely eat all day, drink a shit ton of coffee, and do cardio for about two hours so I can have a decent meal with him later on. I knew it wasn’t “attractive” to be the girl who eats a salad on a date, so I ended up ordering a ocnormal protein-based entree and pretending like I wasn’t calculating every calorie on the plate in front of me. Eventually, I opened up to him about my struggles since he started to notice my lack of confidence and constant worry about my image. We fought all the time for multiple different reasons, but he saw the raw parts of me that no other person has seen before. I never opened up to someone about my eating disorder besides my family and my doctors. He even went to therapy with me in order to help with my recovery. In the back of my mind, I knew that he wasn’t “the one” for me though. I knew that I wouldn’t be marrying him in the future, but I stuck with him since I truly believed that no one else would accept the broken and damaged girl that I was inside. I hate typing this out, as I truly feel like I hurt him more than I hurt myself sometimes. I remember one night when we were spooning in bed, and I thought to myself, “You need to hold onto him as long as you can. No one else is going to love a fucked up girl like you. No one is going to want to date the ‘crazy girl’ like you.

Image result for quotes about eating disorders

We obviously ended our relationship after trying so many times to make it work. It was toxic and unhealthy, and I was actually getting thinner during our relationship. At the time, we ended on horrible terms – blocking each other on social media and basically telling each other to go die. Fast forward to now, we are friends, and have hung out multiple times since our breakup. We text each other on Christmas and on birthdays. We both know we will most likely never date each other again, but I am forever grateful for his presence in my life. The end of this relationship started to make me question if I really want to live the next 50-60 years of my life alone. Every relationship teaches you something about yourself, something about life.

After the relationship heartbreak (crying all the time, stalking his new fiancé on social media, staying up all night questioning if that’s the last time a guy will ever say “I love you” to me), I started to go back to hanging out with my guy friends from the wrestling and crew teams. For obvious reasons, I did not see them much during my relationship, which caused many many fights between my ex and I. Since I was now single, I started to hangout with them again. I remember clearly my two close guy friends, individually said to me at different times, “Get off the fucking stair master and start lifting.” That, of course, is paraphrased to what I translated their statements to be in my head. For some reason, it finally triggered something in me. I realized that I was destroying my body for 10 years and I still wasn’t happy. I still wasn’t satisfied with my image. So, maybe this whole thing isn’t about my body at all? Maybe this nightmare is about something deeper, and not about a number on a scale or how many ribs I can see when I wake up every morning? Maybe an eating disorder isn’t even about the food I’m eating? Maybe an eating disorder is about what’s really eating you?

Image may contain: 3 people, people smiling, people standing
2012 to 2014

During this emotional realization, Instagram was becoming the new and hip social media platform (2011-2013). As more adults (parents) started to flock towards Facebook, teens and Millennials escaped to Instagram. I started to discover the new evolution of female bodybuilders and lifters. Eventually, this got nicknamed to be the “Fitspo Movement.” Instead of girls displaying their size 0 waists and thigh gaps, these women were flexing their biceps, squatting with the #bros, and portraying how “strong is the new skinny.” I was instantly inspired, since all I knew was hours of cardio, low carb dieting, and a 23 inch waist. Slowly but surely, I started to make my way to the intimidating free weight section of my university gym. I never did anything like squat or deadlift, but I started small with dumbbells, barbells, and assisted machines. I was in shock that I could gain weight and people would actually find me attractive, or even more attractive?

This whole process was extremely emotional and difficult. Gaining weight was my biggest fear in the life for years. I remember one day I thought, “I rather die than be fat.” I am deeply ashamed by this statement, but it’s an honest recollection of one of the many painful thoughts I had circling in my head every single day.

After college, I continued lifting and even paid for a personal trainer to help me improve my form and confidence in the gym. In the winter of 2014, my menstrual cycle came back after four years of being without a period. I was a hysterical mess that night, since my mind translated having a cycle with, “I’m not skinny Image may contain: 1 person, closeupanymore.” After going to my therapist and taking some time to write in my journal, I looked at the bigger picture. My close friends and family members all know that I cannot wait to be a mom. I love babies, kids, puppies – I LOVE to take care of everyone. I tell everyone, “If the only thing guaranteed in life is death, and I had to choose a second one for me, it would be that I am destined to be a mom.” So getting my period meant that I will [hopefully] be able to have kids in the future since my reproductive system is functioning normally again. Although this was incredibly hard to accept, I am so happy that I can live with more hope of having my own children in the future.

During 2015-2016, I had a bunch of difficult experiences that caused my eating habits, anxiety, and depression to spike at certain times. After speaking with my therapist and mom in February 2016, we agreed that it was time for me to go back on medication and STAY on medication for a while. In the past, I was always put on medication, and then when life started to become brighter, I would ween myself off it – and then BOOM – life knocked me right back down again. We worked up to a dose that is good for me over that spring and summer. The summer of 2016 was the first time I went out in public wearing a bikini since the summer of 2013.

Since August/September of 2016, I have been the absolute happiest I have ever been in my life. I moved out of my parent’s house and currently live in Astoria, Queens. I took a risky swing and paired up with a random roommate from Craig’s List, and it has been nothing but a home run since we moved in together. I have awesome co-workers, a great boss, and a balanced work-social life. I go to the Image may contain: 2 people, people smiling, drink and indoorgym when I can, sometimes only 2-3 times a week (instead of 7 days a week or twice a day), and I don’t cancel plans when I’m feeling “fat” or “ugly.” I’ve ate things that I haven’t ate in years like New York bagels, full slices of pizza, *real* bread, and more. Although I still have moments where I’m feeling super down on myself, and critique every little imperfection on my body, I am strong enough to not let it ruin my day anymore. I thought that guys wouldn’t date me if I wasn’t supermodel-thin, but now I’ve realized that most men appreciate a girl with curves and confidence. I’ve removed the belief from my head that “guys aren’t going to want to date a “crazy” girl who had an eating disorder,” since I’ve experienced more praise and respect from men who listened to my story and appreciate how far I’ve come. I have a stronger relationship with my friends and family members, and most importantly, I have a stronger relationship with myself.

To this day, I am still hesitant to believe that any person recovers fully or 100% from an eating disorder. Since eating disorders are mental illnesses, there is no cure or magic pill to help rid each sufferer from their own unique demons. However, there is help, and there is treatment. I still have days where I want to starve myself, spend hours in the gym, and even look at my stomach over 50 times a day in the mirror. I’ve come to accept that mental battle rather argue that I “need” to change my body weight in order to be accepted. With the help of my therapist, my close circle of friends, my family members, medication, and the time I spend reading and writing, I am able to live my life to the absolute fullest.

Image may contain: 1 person, bridge, sky, ocean, outdoor and water

An eating disorder is never about food, it’s about controlling an aspect of life around you since you feel like you cannot control anything else. Since we cannot control what people will say or do, what the economy will be like, or what genetics we have, we learn that at least we are able to control what we ingest and how our body looks on the outside. In the era of rising Instagram models, Victoria Secret Fashion Shows, and continuous magazine tabloids, it’s easy for people [females especially] to correlate these images with happiness. These celebrities on social media, on TV, and on magazines are wealthy, skinny, and smiling – why wouldn’t they be happy? Why wouldn’t we wish to be like them?

Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way, that thinness does not equal happiness. Size zero jeans does not equal zero problems. And a few pounds shouldn’t feel like pain. My mind was miserably consumed with what people thought about me and if they approved of me. I believed that skinniness was the golden key to approval and internal joy. All I wanted was for other people to like me because I didn’t like myself. That’s what was eating me.

Image result for what's eating you

I’ve discovered that people don’t like me because of how much I weigh or what jeans size I wear. People like me because I am funny, generous, compassionate, diligent, honest, and loyal. Those characteristics weren’t able to shine since my mind was only focused on destroying my body.  Although it took me over 10 years to figure this out, I wouldn’t be the person I am today without this experience. Recovering from an eating disorder is still the accomplishment I am most proud of, and it has made stronger emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I recently finished the book, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” by Mark Manson (strongly recommend to anyone BTW). Manson stresses how vital failure and struggle is in shaping our values and what we deem as important (i.e., what to give a fuck about). I honestly don’t believe I would be as happy or successful as I am today if I didn’t struggle with my eating disorder. All of the excruciating feelings I suffered through made me a more passionate and honest person, which is something I value so much in others. Manon includes one of my favorite quotes of all time – from one of the Founding Fathers of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, “One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.”

Image result for quotes about eating disorders

 

***If you know anyone, or you feel as if you may be dealing with some of the emotions/feelings/behaviors described above, please reach out for help now. Please visit NEDA’s website, email info@NationalEatingDisorders.org, or call their Toll-free Information and Referral Helpline: 1-800-931-2237.***