Because recently I have been getting super emotional and anxious about my dating life. Apparently the type I attract are the ones who are “the vanishers” – aka – the ones who fall off the planet all of a sudden, stop answering to your texts, and brainwash me into thinking like I did something wrong.
For so long I would absolutely blame myself and say, “I shouldn’t have done that,” or “I probably came off too strong,” or “I probably should of worn more makeup or dressed nicer that night.” And honestly, when this recent vanisher stopped answering me, I did do that for a few hours. I kept saying to myself, “Maybe I was coming off too strong – coming off too aggressive – making things seem too serious?” But right now, I’m like, “Fuck this shit already.” I’m so tired of blaming myself, and seeing other girls feel helplessly confused in these situations like I have, wayyyyy too many times.
We [females] constantly think WE are the ones who did something wrong, when you know… maybe we did come off too strong or too aggressive or whatever — but that doesn’t make us WRONG. I know how much guys like to throw around the word “crazy” when talking about females who constantly are texting them if they are not answering. To be fair, yes… some girls can act freaking psychotic sometimes. There are memes and videos online making fun of “crazy girls,” and I actually laugh at a lot of them without feeling attacked or defensive. Yet from the guy’s perspective, they usually are thinking, “I mean if I’m not answering don’t you get the point?” Yeah, I totally do… even though I guess I still don’t understand the difficulty level of sending a text. Is it uncomfortable? Yeah, it usually is. So what do we do? Run from the uncomfortable because why the hell would we want to put ourselves in that kind of situation?! But honestly, if we only saw each other 1-3 times, then I get it, doesn’t really need an explanation at all since nothing even really started. That’s acceptable in my book. Cause you know what, I do that too. My guy friends actually told me, “Just ignore him if you are not interested, he will get the point.” So I started to do this, but mainly to just creepy guys DMing me on Instagram or Twitter asking for pictures or to “hang out sometime.” For the most part, they do get the point, and other times, they do not. That’s when the nifty “block” feature comes in handy.
But when a guy just stops answering me after hanging out 8-10 times, telling me “I love and miss you,” and introduces me to his closest friends and roommates, ummmm.. YES – I have every right to ask ‘what the fuck happened.’ I’m not even meme-worthy “crazy” so to say, texting and calling over 20x a day, messaging all his friends on several social platforms, etc. I sent a total of 3 texts over the time span of 10 days. Each of the texts were genuine and sweet. It’s quite funny when most men have egos through the roof about their physique, intelligence, charm, etc. However, when it comes to forming a 2-3 sentence explanation as to why they no longer want to communicate with someone, they portray themselves as an insecure, socially awkward, and immature boy.
I was recently talking to a guy who lived 6-7 hours away from NYC. You’re probably thinking, “Okay WTF Kelcey – why would you even bother trying to make that work?” One of the most important lessons I have learned from my therapist is to just “live in the moment” and stop thinking about the future. I am fully aware that Buffalo, NY is no short car drive to Manhattan, but I was really enjoying the time I spent talking to this person, and I wasn’t going to stress myself out thinking about the future when I was completely content with the present. We talked on the phone, we face-timed, we texted, snap-chatted, etc. He was different than the guys I have met here at the gym or at a bar, so I really cherished the time I spent talking to him. He was different, and I felt different about him than I have felt with others.
We had plans to see each other in February, one weekend in NYC and one weekend in Buffalo. However, after a certain message, things changed. He stopped answering my snaps, texts or calls. I was more confused than angry or upset. The thing was though, this person was 28 years old, an orthopedic surgeon, we’ve been talking for about 3 months, and we have known each other for a year and a half. He’s an established professional, and he’s not just someone I met on Tinder 2 weeks ago. Therefore, like the man that he is, he called me on a Monday night and explained to me that he didn’t feel like “we” were working out. After a 30-40 minute phone call, I was completely OK with everything – not upset, not angry, not sad. The fact is, he gave me the “why.” He didn’t leave me hanging in WTF-World, questioning everything that I possibly could about why this is happening. Since then (about 3 weeks ago), I have not had any emotional breakdowns or feelings of sadness due to this ending. I’ve realized that what gets me most upset is not that “we” didn’t work out, but that I don’t know “why” we didn’t work out.
Since he gave me the why, resulting in multiple explanations, I was not very upset or angry. Although I may have disagreed with some of his logic, I was understanding of his opinions. I did not try to argue with him and beg for him to reconsider. The fact that he had the courage to call me and explain everything speaks volumes to me, which really sounds so ridiculous when I type it out – since it is so freakin’ rare for a guy to call you now-a-days. However, in the age of fuckboys, we almost never receive an explanation, or AT THE LEAST… 1 text message letting us know why they have left us in the dust.
I started writing this piece last Wednesday when I was definitely more emotional about the situation than I am right now. When a guy stops talking to you, we automatically feel like we failed, like we fucked up, like we are not good enough. In my last piece talking about my eating disorder, I explained how “feeling good enough” has been a struggle for me since I was just a pre-teen. I have not met one girl who doesn’t automatically start to stalk the new girl their ex starts dating or talking to. We immediately judge them and compare them to ourselves – saying that they are skinnier, taller, prettier, etc.
One of the best pieces of advice my mom has told me was that “someone is always going to be skinnier, prettier, smarter, or taller than you.” When you’re trying to achieve perfection your whole life, this statement is both heartbreaking and awakening. It hurts because we are hit with the reality that we will never actually reach what we are trying to achieve. However, it is also enlightening because we can finally open our minds to the truth that we can stop wasting our time trying to attain something that is not even tangible. To be honest, the realization that has helped me the most is also looking at celebrities and their disaster of a successful dating life. Who do you admire the most? Jennifer Lopez? Emma Stone? Rihanna? These women are all drop dead gorgeous, successful, talented and intelligent. Guess what: they all have been dumped and/or cheated on. Translation: Pretty girls get dumped, too. Skinny girls get cheated on, too. Guys stop talking to gorgeous girls, too.
This is already the second mention of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck on this blog, but it has truly opened my eyes to soooooo many realizations due to it’s lack of sugar-coating and blunt nature. We are in control of what we deem as a failure in life [or a problem]. Someone could receive an A- on a test and think of that as a failure if they always get A+s, and someone could receive an A- on a test and think of it is a success if they always get B’s. We are in control of what we fail at. If we are going to start saying “we failed” whenever a guy stops texting us back or decides to end things with us, then our self-esteem and self-worth is going to severely plummet. The difference between a girl who is self-aware and one who is not is that the girl who is self-aware does not get terribly upset when a guy stops talking to them. They KNOW what they have to offer, and don’t question ‘what they did wrong.’ This is why so many people who give you that cliche bullshit you’re already tired of hearing: “You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else.”
I have been honest about my struggles with self-esteem and self-confidence, and writing these pieces helps me realize that I should in no way be blaming myself or questioning what I did wrong here – especially if they don’t have the balls to send you just one freakin’ text! I am more aware what I have to offer: kindness, generosity, humor, compassion, thoughtfulness, etc. I obtain all of these characteristics, and it’s a shame that he couldn’t see them or let them go to waste. In addition, I am not putting blame on anyone here – him or me. It’s not his fault that he stopped answering me, and it’s not my fault either. However, it is my responsibility of how I react to this situation. I can either call myself a failure or blame myself, or I can move on confidently knowing that I am a genuine person with a plethora of admirable qualities to offer to a guy who appreciates it.
…^And she just knew that everything would work out. Because it always does.^