Here we are again, back to writing about my amusing and confusing dating life. I actually enjoyed writing about the burglary since it was somewhat therapeutic to type out the words and emotions I had tangled up and trapped inside my head. Finally, I was able to somewhat communicate about how I was feeling, which was essentially everything. From shocked to sad to angry to confused, I felt it all. But today marks three weeks since the nightmare, and I am almost feeling back to normal Kelcey. Just needed to take some time off and enjoy the presence of my friends and family (and wine).
I came across an article from Elite Daily a few days ago posted on my Facebook news feed: “5 Struggles of Realizing You’re Actually Really Good at Being Single.” Of course, I click on it. Who knows more about being single than me? My friends and family joke around about how I’m always single — I.E., my last relationship was almost five years ago and we dated less than a year (actually, I’ve never even dated anyone longer than 10 months… #awk). I’m the girl who has a bunch of guy friends but never a boyfriend, the girl who goes to weddings without a +1, and the girl who’s been on over 30-40 first dates, but rarely a second or third. Now, this may come off depressing or dark, but it’s really something I have learned to cherish. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life, and no, it’s not because I found a boyfriend. I have taken so much [needed] time to work on myself, for myself, and have solely contributed to all the joy in my current life.
From time to time, my friends and family make fun of the fact that I am always single, a commitment-phob, a closet-lesbian, etc.. After some kidding around and making jokes, I get the more serious question of, “No really. Why are you single? Do you even want to be single? Don’t you want something serious after all this time being single? You’re funny, cute, smart, and laid-back… what’s up with you?”
Most of the time when I am asked questions like this by friends or family members, I just typically laugh and say “I don’t know, guess I just haven’t met the right person yet.” Yes, I know, what a clicheeeeeeee answer. But I can’t argue that I disagree with this statement. Although I am unsure if I believe in actually “falling in love,” I definitely believe that there is someone out there for me who is a better match than all the other assholes that I’ve dated or talked to… AKA… I’m not going to settle for what’s easy and convenient for me.
This is where the Elite Daily article comes in. This article is making the case that there are five “struggles” to being good at being single. I thought, “Struggles? Really?” For me, I feel like these ‘struggles’ are my strengths.
What I want to portray through this piece is why I’m single and why it’s actually pretty awesome being single. ‘Being single’ gets a bad rap and I don’t know why the F why. Yes, it’s awesome to have a cuddle buddy every night, or have someone text you, “Good Morning Beautiful” every morning – but it’s also awesome to kick ass and move forward in your career, treat yourself to a new pair of shoes or dress, etc. There is something about buying a new piece of jewelry that I worked so hard to earn, compared to someone buying that same piece for me. I feel some sort of high from knowing that with consistent diligence, I can do everything by myself, and for myself.
I know a lot of people don’t understand me, and they are not able to comprehend how I like to do so many things alone, especially since I’m such an outgoing and sociable person. However, I hope that maybe someone who reads this can open up and see why it’s actually awesome to be “good” at being single — and not a “struggle” as the Elite Daily piece titles it. The sub-titles below are all from the ED article, yet, I am writing my own blurb about it with a more positive twist.
(1) You’re comfortable doing things alone. One thing that people need to understand is that being single does not correlate with being alone or lonely. Although it is definitely intimidating to do certain things alone when you’re used to doing them with your significant other, this needs to be something you must learn to “grow some balls and do it yourself.” In more elegant terms, basically… the only person who can guarantee their commitment to you is yourself. Although family members and boyfriends and friends say this shit all the time like, “I’ll never leave you” or “I’ll always be by your side,” you just never know. You never know if you’re going to get unexpectedly dumped one day, or if a friend goes behind your back and blackmails you, or if a family member unfortunately passes one day. YOU need to always take care of YOU first. When everyone else is gone, who are you left with? Yourself. You need to learn how to do things for yourself and enjoy time with yourself. Whatever it is – grocery shopping, working out, paying bills, etc., there may be a time in your life when you are expected to do all these things on your own because you won’t have anyone else to do them for you. Of course, this may never be the case, but like I said… you never know. I’m grateful that I am content with doing so many things alone, because in a way I feel like even through the toughest times, I know I will be able to have my shit together. I am independent and capable of doing things without the dependence of others. It truly is empowering to feel this way once you start.
So take a day to do things that you normally do with others — and do those things alone. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but it also may feel even better than before.
(2) You’re independent to a fault. When people ask me what character trait I am most proud of, I always say it’s my independence. For me, it’s actually quite frustrating to hear some of my girl friends say that they don’t know how to do certain things since their boyfriend or their parents always do it for them. Going back to what I said in (1), unfortunately… your parents and boyfriend aren’t always going to be there for you. There are some things you just have to get up and do yourself whether it’s changing a tire or doing a load of laundry (I am 25 and, yes, I still know people my age who don’t do their own laundry). I think independence is one of the most attractive qualities, and yes, I know I probably sound pompous AF saying that. But seriously, both me and my guy friends discuss that finding someone who has a life of their own and isn’t insanely clingy or dependent is attractive. No one wants that person who seems desperate for your attention all the freaking time. Meeting someone who is completely comfortable with doing things on their own and spending time apart to build their own life is insanely important to me. Unless someone is so independent that they become somewhat standoffish towards others, I truly can’t find any faults with this character trait.
(3) Everyone just assumes you don’t want a boyfriend. I mean, I can understand why this can be annoying AF and a “fault” so to say. This is usually something that people ‘assume’ when I say that my career is the most important thing to me at the moment. Apparently, you can’t want a career and want a boyfriend at the same time? Weird…
But honestly, I don’t even think this assumption is that bad. Because when we go back to typical guy behavior, guys always enjoy the chase — AKA — they want a challenge. For them, if they see or hear of a girl who doesn’t want something serious, it gives them a challenge to pursue — maybe I can change her? maybe she will change her mind when she meets me? I’ll show her how awesome I am and she will probably reconsider. So when they come across a female who is confident and “doesn’t need a boyfriend” to be a badass at work or enjoy her life, they are amazed. They see it as a challenge, and most importantly, a rarity. According to the HuffPost piece linked above, both men and women place value is something they deem as unattainable, or rare to acquire. Guys will swoon over you if they see you as a rare gem; the girl who doesn’t need a boyfriend and is completely okay with it (because she realizes she doesn’t need a guy to make her happy #duh).
(4) Relationships remain unknown, despite how much Googling you’ve done on the subject. This one has mainly been a change of mindset for me. How many of you can admit that when you had a really great first date with someone, you already were thinking of your future together with them? Already envisioning yourself eating your next meal together? In bed together? Meeting his parents? Etc. The thing that screws us the most is thinking too much about the future and not enough about the now. Elite Daily says under this sub-title that, “relationships slowly become this thing you know you’re falling out of touch with.” In my opinion, this is exactly what we need to do! We need to wipe away the social constructs and definition of a “relationship” and “rules to dating” since how the fuck are they really helping us anyway? Honestly, it just makes us more anxious and psychotic in the end. How many times have you wanted to text the guy first but that is against “dating rules” that girls can’t text back first?
Then they say, “What do you do with a boyfriend when you get one?” Seriously? If you just upgraded to the boyfriend/girlfriend status, how the hell are you even questioning what you should do with him? The key to successful dating [I believe] is meeting someone who evolves into not a boyfriend, but your best friend. With your best friend, you don’t think of what to do or what to say since it should be an organic and natural bond. Stop thinking about what you should do, what rules to follow, or what happens if he doesn’t text you tomorrow — just LIVE IN THE MOMENT. I can’t stress how much this has helped me with dating and with life in general. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket with one guy after one date. Stop thinking about whether he will text you or invite you to his friend’s party he was talking about at dinner. Just live in the moment, enjoy the time spent together, and take it day by day. Try to mold this phrase into your mind and apply it to everything in life, just not with dating. I was the Queen of Overanalyzing, and all it did was make me more and more anxious. Live in the now, enjoy the present.
Relationships should be “unknown” since every relationship is different, and it cannot be objectively defined.
(5) You want a partner in crime. You don’t want your other half. This is probably the only sub-title in the list that I can somewhat agree with. I agree that you shouldn’t be looking for your other “half,” or someone who is essentially a carbon copy of yourself. Yeah, it’s nice to meet someone who has the same interests as you since you can enjoy doing the same things together. However, I think it is entirely more interesting to meet someone who has some different interests from you as well. Having a partner introduce you to something that they are so passionate about, and is close to their heart is a sign of trust. If they are opening their arms for you, allowing you to be part of one of their favorite hobbies, it most definitely is a good sign for the future. I’m sure some people have “hidden hobbies” that they don’t expose to just anyone, so if they are willing to show you that side of them, they are most definitely willing to make you their partner in crime.
Essentially, I still think that the best phrase for this is that you want to find ANOTHER best friend (which I guess they call a ‘partner in crime’). I’m single, and I have amazing best friends — I just want one who I can be intimate with, lol. So yeah, that is the part of being single that they considered being a struggle, but I still have fucking awesome best friends at the end of the day and I am in no where “struggling.” If anything, I have become closer with many of my friends due to being single — and not being one of those girls/guys who ‘falls off the planet’ when they get into a relationship. I’ve made girlfriends who have been my “partner in crime” for when we go out to bars, which has made some of the best [drunken] memories.
For me, my best friends are the ones I laugh the most with. Humor is the most important quality for me, so I am looking to find someone that makes me laugh just as much or even more than I do with my best friends. I want someone who can poke fun at me, and I can poke fun at them. I want someone who I can sit in a room with without talking and feel 0% awkwardness. I want someone who I don’t need to think about what I have to say next or “what to do with them” to make them happy. These are the qualities that my best friends have, and what ‘my [future] guy must have as well.
I started writing this piece about a week ago, and I just finished it today… on #ValentinesDay. I think towards the end it gets a bit foggy, lol, but I really just wanted to publish this today and convey that especially on Valentine’s Day, being single is still awesome. I know some of you may hate this day, and all you have been seeing on your news feed is couples kissing, and surprise bouquets of roses (trust me, I saw like 20 posts already). Just know that you’re not alone, and just because you’re single today, doesn’t mean you will be single forever (unless you wanna be of course… which is awesome, too!).
Cherish the now, work on your career, grow independently, and stop worrying about what others say and think about you.
Would you rather be single and happy, or miserably with someone?